Finally, truly freed....

Here I am... finally.....

Finally, truly freed.... and it feels great!

Have been living a life I never wanted for the past 2 yrs or so... n today, I am a new person...

I was able to sleep peacefully, without disruption for the past 3-4 days... I am able to wake up early, n spend time in prayer & reading the Bible. I feel like, I have got my life back... and it feels good!

I went for counselling on Sunday... a spiritual counselling actually.. I was going in wrong directions in my life - i knew it.. and i needed guidance... i needed proofs from the Scripture about what i actually should be doing, and I got exactly that from the 5 hour long counselling session i had. Cried so much that i got a headache, n prayed a lot too.. But it was all worth the effort...

Now I know, this is the life i want... I am happy like i used to be... and I have to make sure I stay like this... I have to make sure I a living with my lord... I have to make sure that i dont repeat the mistakes i have already done...

I just want to be happy now... Live for my family, my dear ones... my husband n my daughter, n parents.... Oh, I cant really express how happy I am!

God, just be with me & guide me like how you always do.. don't let me lose my way ... just be with me....

എന്റെ മനസ്സ്....

ആദ്യമായി മലയാളത്തില്‍ ഒരു ബ്ലോഗ്‌ എഴുതാം എന്ന് വിചാരിച്ചു... ഇതിനു മുന്നേ അങ്ങനെ ഒരു ചിന്ത വന്നിട്ടില്ല. എന്തായാലും കൊള്ളാം...പക്ഷെ, എനിക്ക് മലയാളത്തേക്കാള്‍, എന്നെ തന്നെ എക്സ്പ്രസ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ പറ്റുന്നത് ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് ഭാഷയില്‍ ആണെന്നാണ്‌ എനിക്ക് തോന്നുന്നത്..

എന്തായാലും ശരി... ഇങ്ങനെയും ഒരു പരീക്ഷണം ആവാം...

എന്താ ഇപ്പൊ എഴുതുക.. മനസ്സ് നിറയെ എന്തൊക്കെയോ ഒത്തിരി കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ ഉണ്ട്... പക്ഷെ, എന്ത് എഴുതണം, എന്ത് എഴുതണ്ട എന്ന് മനസ്സിലാവണില്ല..

ഈ ഇടെ പത്ര മാധ്യമങ്ങളില്‍ വന്ന കുറെ വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍ എന്നെ വല്ലാണ്ട് അസ്വസ്തം ആക്കി... സൌമ്യയുടെ മരണം.. പിന്നെ വേറെ പല പീഡന വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍.. പിഞ്ചു കുഞ്ഞുങ്ങളെ പോലും ആളുകള്‍ വെറുതെ വിടാത കാലം ആണിത്... ശരിക്കും കലികാലം തന്നെ... ആലോചിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ മനസ്സില്‍ വല്ലാത്ത വെറുപ്പ്‌ തോന്നുന്നു... ആരോടെന്നില്ലാതെ.... എന്തിനോടെന്നില്ലാതെ...

എനിക്കൊരു മകളുണ്ട്... അവളുടെ ഭാവിയെക്കുറിച്ച് ആലോചിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ആശങ്കകള്‍ കൂടി വരുന്നു... എങ്ങനെ വിശ്വസിച്ചു പുറത്തു വിടും അവളെ... ഈ ചെറു പ്രായത്തില്‍ പോലും... കാരണം അങ്ങനെ ഉള്ള കാട്ടാളന്മാര്‍ ആണ് നമ്മുടെ സമൂഹത്തില്‍ ഉള്ളത്...

പിന്നെ, എല്ലാരും പറയുന്ന പോലെ.. ഇങ്ങനെ ഒക്കെ തന്നെ ഒര്തുകൊണ്ടിരുന്നാല്‍ ജീവിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റില്ല... എന്ന് കരുതി, ഇതെല്ലാം മറക്കാനും പറ്റില്ലാത്ത അവസ്ഥ...

നോക്കാം നമുക്ക്... ഈ ലോകം എങ്ങോട്ട പോകുന്നെ എന്ന് കണ്ടറിയണം... നമ്മളുടെ പെണ്മക്കളെ ദൈവം കാത്തുകൊള്ളും എന്നാ പ്രതീക്ഷയോടെ....

I miss....

I miss being touched... I miss being hugged... I miss being the real me....

My Wishes n Prayers...

Its my best friends birthday today... 'National Holiday' as he used to term it... N I hope n pray n wish him the very best.. May God give him all the happiness in the world... and keep him always happy n satisfied - knowing too well, that I am not a part of his life anymore...

Time passes, people change, n sometimes their emotions too... I wont blame you for being like this to me, cos i know, you want me to be happy... You know that even if your words hurt me, ultimately, its for my happy life... But i Just wanted to tell you one thing... Of all the things I have ever lost.. you, my friend, are the person i miss the most... hope you realise it some day... hope you understand what you were and are for me... I decided to stop bugging you after you told me to stay away from you... the day you told me that i have to go my ways, cos you have your own problems... I just hope that you are happy... and your junior turn out to be a person, just like you.... the person who gives you the world of joy n happiness... I know you are going to be a very good father to him... cos no one knows you like i do... He is going to grow up just like you... a very good friend to those who know him... a confidant to those who seek help n support... a person who is full of love n energy n excitement... years later, i would love to meet you all... and see for myself that i wasn't wrong..

I'm sure that he will never see this blog... but still, i want him to know that, you were, you are, n you will always be my best friend... whom i talk to when i'm happy or when i am sad... do you know? i still talk to you... do you hear it at times like how you used to? do you still hear my laughter n smiles when i am happy? do you still feel my pain? may be, may be not... life has to go on... you said you shouldn't be the person i should look up to when i am sad... but, i don't have anyone else.. so even when you are not here, i talk to you... you are my friend.. n you will always be.. cos no one can ever replace you...

So long.... my dear friend... may you live happily ever after... like those in the stories of prince n princess n their little junior.... n hope you receive my 'megha sandesham'

Please remember this....

Memories of school days...

My school days are something that i never want to remember... i have never felt nostalgic thinking of those days. It would be more correct, if i say that i never think of my school days. There were a very few teacher whom i liked, n i was a pet for some teachers, otherwise, i dont think anyone ever liked me at school,except for the very very few close friends i had.

And for unknown reasons, i used to have so mnay fans, there were many guys after me, but i used to wonder, are these guys mad, cos what do they see in me to even say tht they like me.. anyways, there was this guy, whom i like, can say a 'crush', but when i think of now, i dont remember why or how i liked him! Had a talk with him on FB after, may b 12 yrs y'day, n it was totally fun! I came to know that he knew i liked him, someone told him that, but he was after another girl... i just couldnt stop laughing the whole time during our chat... n the thing that made me laugh most was when he said, that he didnt realise things then n so he missed me !!!! I still remember, how i used to sneek into his classroom just to get a glance of him, how i used to blush when my close friends used to make fun of me saying his name... how i used to go till the gate of his house when i used to visit a friend of mine n run back scared.... told him all these n he was like - Oh My God! i really missed you! ha ha....

Its so easy to tell things like that.... dont know what was in his mind when he told me those, he must have been serious, or may b said all those in a light way... All i told him was, say the things you have to say when its needed... do things that u have to do, then a time like this would never come, when u realise that, if you had done those, things would have been different...

Its a problem with all of us... we always tend to keep things for later... if we love someone, tell them that, if you care for someone, show it to them, dont keep it in your mind, cos you never know what you are going to miss... even if its your parents, your partner, you children, your friends... take time to show them your love... take time to tell them that you love them... n make life more beautiful!

Strangers?

Guess whats new in my life now? I'm talking... talking to real strangers, people who i hardly know... some i met here, blogging.. some i met in twitter... I was someone who had decided that i wont make friends online anymore... cos over the past 7-8 yrs, i have made enough friends online... some didnt work out, cos either they turned out to be frauds or they were people who came in with hidden intentions in their mind... some worked out well, n i got many close friends, very very dear to me, not forgetting to mention that I met my life partner too online...

So, now, i have a few friends i got online very recently, who r becoming close 2 my heart - some share the same thoughts n feelings as me, some have the same aspirations as me, some have the same profession as me... but whoever it may be, I pray to God, to keep them happy always. May their lives be filled with happiness, n when they get stuck on life's road, God, show them your light, n guide them...

Thank you my friends, for being there for me always, understanding my deepest thoughts n fears, n still, standing by my side...