Confusions of life...

Here I am once again... totally in a confused state of mind as to what priority I should give to different things in my life at this point of time. My health, my job or my family.


I am standing at that junction of life, where I see 3 paths. One leads to my career, lookout for a new job etc, second one leads to my health, as i have to urgently reduce some 10-12Kg of my body weight, as  I am over weight now ( I like to blame it on my hypothyroidism and diabetes, but I know it not just that). Controlling diet  and doing exercises are just what it takes, but.. you know... And the third one leads to my family, adding a member to our family. My daughter is 3 yrs old now, n I myself am 29, so i feel its not a good thing to postpone it - thinking about this also needs the path 2, cos I cant go ahead without reducing my weight...


Sigh! Doesn't seem to be a big task here, or confusing this right? But, it is, for me. I have been working from home for the past 4 yrs, which made me out of touch with many technologies in the field I work (but i do know many technologies, which others hardly know about). But I am not confident in giving interviews :| which makes me sound like a tensed school going kid, who is scared about exams. But believe me, this is not a good feeling. Having 8.5 yrs experience in what I do, and still not confident enough for an interview. 


I've been praying a lot these days, cos I am not able to understand what i should do first... will continue doing that till i get answers...


God, hear me and answer me please...

Recent times...

So, like I wrote earlier, I was more into Twitter for the last year or so. Met a lot of people there, both men & women. Some turned out to be too good, while some, made me angry n desperate. But I am glad that I was able to meet them. Made me realize who I really am, and what people think about me, and what I want for myself...


I realized that -  I am happy, I will be happy, cos I deserve to be happy - cos I am the best, and I will be the best... come what may... I kept on telling myself this, and I realized that i was becoming more and more happy...


Talking about the people I met in Twitter, I met some people, who had created a group in Twitter names AMIT - Association of Malayalam Idivettu Tweeters - they wrote hilarious Malayalam tweets. Their tweets never failed to make me laugh. Got  a few good/close friends too from AMIT, though one of them created lot of unwanted scenes later on, leading to many people going against him - that's another story.


I found an extended family there in twitter -  lil brothers and sisters and friends... most of those I met there were younger to me. I got a nickname 'Amoontamma' meaning Ammu's mother - Ammu being my daughter.


It was fun altogether, but later I realized that it was taking up too much of my time - my work was getting affected -  i was kind of addicted. Anyways, I have taken a break as of now. I am still in touch with those friends through chat or calls... that's life.. when you realize that you are left alone, God gives you many more to give you company! :)

I'm back, really

So, here I am. Back into the blogging world. Yes, this time, its really for real! :) Trust me!


I got too busy tweeting, ( Twitter is a micro blogging site too), so i thought its easier to micro blog my thoughts than actually blogging those. Actually, i got lazy to blog, when i can easily micro blog!


And Yesterday, I quit Twitter. And I feel really happy that I did. Cos it was eating up a lot of my time n energy. It was draining me out emotionally too, cos i was getting attached to people I met there. But now, My mins feels free. I do have good friends from there, with whom i can keep in touch through calls & chat or emails.


So, I hope I'll be here more often. I want to write a lot, write about lots of things, lots of positive things cos I am tired of being negative n being sad all these years.. God has blessed me a lot, n its high time i accept it and let people know, n try to make a difference in their lives too!


All the best to myself! and to those who read these!

Expectations...

Hope...

Miscellaneous...

I am back

Its been about 6 months since i blogged anything... its not that i didn't have anything to blog about... its just that i thought its better not to blog...  just didn't feel like blogging... I took more time in twitter n kept expressing my thoughts there... but then, it became different.. i realized that i shouldn't put down anything and everything there... only positive thoughts should be transmitted in such an open medium...


Anyways, life has been good for me for the past 6 months... I am enjoying everything.. my family, my friends, even myself.. and I am thankful to God about that... more blogs to come.. will keep posting as n when i feel like...

A Dream...

Re posting an old blog of mine, from the days when i used to blog regularly in Yahoo 360

I had a dream last night.... I dreamt a dream....

You must be thinking whats so special in that...
Well, the thing is that, I havent slept well for years to see a dream...
I dont remember when i slept like a baby before this....

But last 3-4 days I was able to sleep well.... know why? I had a guardian angel to take care of me... The angel sat near me whole night... to make sure that I dont wake up frightened cos of any bad dream... when i felt cold, the angel hugged me tight to keep me warm... the angel kept telling me not to be scared cos the angel was there near me... no one will touch me while I slept... no one will look at me or disturb me in my sleep...

Yesterday i tried to figure out the face of my guardian angel... i tried to figure out whether it was a female face or a male... I've always thought that angels are female... is that right? I dont know... cos when i looked yesterday, the face wasnt clear... but i could see a smile... and that smile reassured me that I am safe there... safe in the arms and wings of that angel....

I closed my eyes... I didnt know if it was a dream or reality....

I know one thing... i slept... and i had a dream... wide, long pathways... full of thick trees and full of grass.... butterflies.... a lake nearby.... flowers all the way... It was so beautiful...... i just wished for a second, if it was real... but i knew... its just a dream... when i looked around, i couldnt find anyone there... i thought i was all alone in that beautiful place.... i looked again... there.... there........ faaaaar away, under a tree, stood someone..... I coudnt figure out who it was.... i tried to walk to that figure... but as i kept walking, it seemed to move more and more away from me... I started running.... I got tired running, running... but i coudnt reach there...

My heart said... dont worry dear... you have enough time left.. just keep running.... keep focusing on that figure and run..... I started again... running through the grass, flowers, ran past the butterflies... through the side of the lake..... as i was nearing, i could fugure out someone standing there... facing the tree....

I was about to reach near that tree... and I slipped and fell down..... My leg got hurt.. but i didnt care the pain... i was too anxious to get to the tree.... I got up and looked to the tree longingly.... but..... That figure was gone.... i looked all around... he was gone.....Tears started coming in my eyes... I didnt know when it started flowing....
I ran around the tree, hoping that he might be there somewhere... but... all in vain....

I sat there... on the shade of that tree.... crying... tears flowing continuously.... Looking to the lake... and there.... there i saw him... sitting near the lake.... I wiped off my tears and started running again....... all the way to the lake.... But again.............................

I'm still running.... but i'm not able to catch him..... i just want to see his face... I want to know who he is... why is he making me keep on running around like a mad girl to reach him.... why is he giving me so much pain before I see his face.....

May be, its not time yet......

Life's just a dream.... I wish I could see this dream over and over again..... so that everynight, i could keep running.... and soon reach him... run into his arms... and stay there for ever.....

Just a dream...

That was a dream of mine, and 5 years later, as i stand here, i understand the dream very well now... I was running after something/someone... I found the man of my dreams... about 4 years back.... n i have a happy life now, all thanks to God...

But wait.... it was not after him that i was running all those years in my dreams... It was after my Lord my God.... yeah, thats right, i was running after Him... But my directions were not correct, or may be it was not time yet.... but now, I have found Him, my Lord.... And I'm happy that , even if it took time, atleast i found peace and happiness and solace in him! and yes, i do sleep peacefully now, i dont wake up being frightened of anything, it doest take me more than 5 minutes to sleep once i go to bed...

I am happy God, cos you gave me what is the best for me, and I will always be thankful to you for that....

Finally, truly freed....

Here I am... finally.....

Finally, truly freed.... and it feels great!

Have been living a life I never wanted for the past 2 yrs or so... n today, I am a new person...

I was able to sleep peacefully, without disruption for the past 3-4 days... I am able to wake up early, n spend time in prayer & reading the Bible. I feel like, I have got my life back... and it feels good!

I went for counselling on Sunday... a spiritual counselling actually.. I was going in wrong directions in my life - i knew it.. and i needed guidance... i needed proofs from the Scripture about what i actually should be doing, and I got exactly that from the 5 hour long counselling session i had. Cried so much that i got a headache, n prayed a lot too.. But it was all worth the effort...

Now I know, this is the life i want... I am happy like i used to be... and I have to make sure I stay like this... I have to make sure I a living with my lord... I have to make sure that i dont repeat the mistakes i have already done...

I just want to be happy now... Live for my family, my dear ones... my husband n my daughter, n parents.... Oh, I cant really express how happy I am!

God, just be with me & guide me like how you always do.. don't let me lose my way ... just be with me....

എന്റെ മനസ്സ്....

ആദ്യമായി മലയാളത്തില്‍ ഒരു ബ്ലോഗ്‌ എഴുതാം എന്ന് വിചാരിച്ചു... ഇതിനു മുന്നേ അങ്ങനെ ഒരു ചിന്ത വന്നിട്ടില്ല. എന്തായാലും കൊള്ളാം...പക്ഷെ, എനിക്ക് മലയാളത്തേക്കാള്‍, എന്നെ തന്നെ എക്സ്പ്രസ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ പറ്റുന്നത് ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് ഭാഷയില്‍ ആണെന്നാണ്‌ എനിക്ക് തോന്നുന്നത്..

എന്തായാലും ശരി... ഇങ്ങനെയും ഒരു പരീക്ഷണം ആവാം...

എന്താ ഇപ്പൊ എഴുതുക.. മനസ്സ് നിറയെ എന്തൊക്കെയോ ഒത്തിരി കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ ഉണ്ട്... പക്ഷെ, എന്ത് എഴുതണം, എന്ത് എഴുതണ്ട എന്ന് മനസ്സിലാവണില്ല..

ഈ ഇടെ പത്ര മാധ്യമങ്ങളില്‍ വന്ന കുറെ വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍ എന്നെ വല്ലാണ്ട് അസ്വസ്തം ആക്കി... സൌമ്യയുടെ മരണം.. പിന്നെ വേറെ പല പീഡന വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍.. പിഞ്ചു കുഞ്ഞുങ്ങളെ പോലും ആളുകള്‍ വെറുതെ വിടാത കാലം ആണിത്... ശരിക്കും കലികാലം തന്നെ... ആലോചിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ മനസ്സില്‍ വല്ലാത്ത വെറുപ്പ്‌ തോന്നുന്നു... ആരോടെന്നില്ലാതെ.... എന്തിനോടെന്നില്ലാതെ...

എനിക്കൊരു മകളുണ്ട്... അവളുടെ ഭാവിയെക്കുറിച്ച് ആലോചിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ആശങ്കകള്‍ കൂടി വരുന്നു... എങ്ങനെ വിശ്വസിച്ചു പുറത്തു വിടും അവളെ... ഈ ചെറു പ്രായത്തില്‍ പോലും... കാരണം അങ്ങനെ ഉള്ള കാട്ടാളന്മാര്‍ ആണ് നമ്മുടെ സമൂഹത്തില്‍ ഉള്ളത്...

പിന്നെ, എല്ലാരും പറയുന്ന പോലെ.. ഇങ്ങനെ ഒക്കെ തന്നെ ഒര്തുകൊണ്ടിരുന്നാല്‍ ജീവിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റില്ല... എന്ന് കരുതി, ഇതെല്ലാം മറക്കാനും പറ്റില്ലാത്ത അവസ്ഥ...

നോക്കാം നമുക്ക്... ഈ ലോകം എങ്ങോട്ട പോകുന്നെ എന്ന് കണ്ടറിയണം... നമ്മളുടെ പെണ്മക്കളെ ദൈവം കാത്തുകൊള്ളും എന്നാ പ്രതീക്ഷയോടെ....